What This Is Me Means To Me

Fitting in was never an option.

I just couldn’t.

It’s not that I didn’t want to, I did.

I just did not know how.

I was always:

Too Intense

Too Serious

Too Confusing

Didn’t make any sense

Too focused on military history

Too in-my-head

Too uncoordinated

Too small

Too weak

Too …

No matter where I was, with whom I found myself, and what act I played, I could not find a way to fit.

I didn’t start out acting, but learned I had to act along the way just to get by.

Acting, pretending, some call it “Masking” was the closest I ever came to being “Normal”.

I went through most of my career pretending to be things I was not.

I went through most of my relationships pretending to be someone I was not.

I went through most of life pretending to be something I could not.

The first time I could be myself was after I met the woman who would become my wife. It was when I was with her that my mask could be taken down. I could reveal who I really was. Best of all, she loved me for who I am, not what I was trying to be to the rest of the world.

Then, in my late 40’s, after I had my kids and they had been tested for autism, dyslexia, dyspraxia, ADHD, and other elements of the collection within the neurodiversity space, I realized I could let go of the attempt to fit, all of the acting, and just be myself with the rest of the world. I learned there was a reason I did not fit with the rest of the world and that reason has to do with how all our brains develop.

I had spent my life up to that point adjusting to the outside world, reshaping myself to try to fit within it, neglecting my inner self, my identity to be something else. This was not my attempt to fool the rest of the world as much as it was an attempt to make the rest of the world not attack me anymore.

The beginning of this letting go occurred at the exact same time as the movie The Greatest Showman was released in theaters. One aspect of being myself is I love singing showtunes, musical improv, dancing, and anything which combines music, movement, and theater.

The Greatest Showman has so many great songs with catchy tunes and inspiring messages. One, though, stands out to me above all the rest. As an outcast who was only just becoming comfortable with my human attributes, the song This Is Me spoke to me like almost nothing else has.

If you don’t know this song here is a clip and here are the lyrics:

I'm not a stranger to the dark
Hide away, they say
'Cause we don't want your broken parts
I've learned to be ashamed of all my scars
Run away, they say
No one will love you as you are

But I won't let them break me down to dust
I know that there's a place for us
For we are glorious

When the sharpest words wanna cut me down
I'm gonna send a flood, gonna drown them out
I am brave, I am bruised
I am who I'm meant to be, this is me
Look out 'cause here I come
And I'm marching on to the beat I drum
I'm not scared to be seen
I make no apologies, this is me

Another round of bullets hits my skin
Well, fire away 'cause today, I won't let the shame sink in
We are bursting through the barricades
And reaching for the sun (we are warriors)
Yeah, that's what we've become

Won't let them break me down to dust
I know that there's a place for us
For we are glorious

When the sharpest words wanna cut me down
Gonna send a flood, gonna drown them out
I am brave, I am bruised
I am who I'm meant to be, this is me
Look out 'cause here I come
And I'm marching on to the beat I drum
I'm not scared to be seen
I make no apologies, this is me

...This is me

And I know that I deserve your love
There's nothing I'm not worthy of
When the sharpest words wanna cut me down
I'm gonna send a flood, gonna drown them out
This is brave, this is bruised
This is who I'm meant to be, this is me

Look out 'cause here I come (look out 'cause here I come)
And I'm marching on to the beat I drum (marching on, marching, marching on)
I'm not scared to be seen
I make no apologies, this is me

(Whenever the words wanna cut me down
I'll send the flood to drown them out)
I'm gonna send the flood, gonna drown them out

This is me

To me, this song is freedom to express myself.

To me, this song is a dance of joy to celebrate what makes me distinctly human.

To me, this song is an invitation to everyone else out there who is trying to fit into a world in which they feel they do not belong to step forward to proclaim their distinct human value.

To me, this song has become an anthem.

Every human develops in the womb based on genetic and environmental inputs unique to that and only that circumstance. Just as the development of our fingers in-utero create fingerprints which distinguish each of us from everyone else on earth, the development of our brains does the same thing. We each have a unique brain, a Brainprint, if you will, which makes us different from every human who has ever been, who is now, and who will be in the future.

What This Is Me means to me is that all of humanity has the invitation to recognize we each offer value in this world. We each contribute something special no one else can. We each bring to the table some aspect of the solutions to our shared global challenges.

When we combine our infinite diversity with our infinite capacities we can become an infinite species with infinite possibilities.

By each of us holding our shape, rather than trying to fit into a world that does not want us, we can help shape the world to be malleable to fit each and every one of us within its systems and structures.

When you look at everyone else in the world, I invite you to see them for who they are, recognizing they offer the world value.

Maybe, one day, we can all look at each other and proclaim proudly:

This Is Me!