Welcome to "Improv Your Parenting," where we explore the art of turning parenting into play. Today, I had the pleasure of sitting down with Jay Sukow, a seasoned improviser with over 30 years of experience. Jay lives in Los Angeles with his wife, four kids, and a cat that isn't his. He loves his friends, improv, and the Beastie Boys. Our conversation delved into how improv has shaped his parenting journey and the invaluable lessons he's learned along the way.
The Honest Audience
Jay's journey with improv began long before he became a parent. He shared how interacting with kids is different from performing in a class setting. "Kids are such an honest audience," he said. "They'll tell you straight up if they're bored. Even during shows, they'll shout, 'I'm bored!'" This honesty has been a cornerstone of Jay's parenting approach. He uses improv games to engage his kids, making everyday moments playful and interactive.
One of Jay's favorite games to play with his kids is "Mind Meld," where each person says a word, and they try to find a word that connects them. "But my kids would always say 'pizza,'" Jay laughed. "It made the game super easy, but it was their way of participating." His kids, aged nine and almost twelve, have already had improv in school, which makes these games even more meaningful.
Improv as a Parenting Tool
When asked if he intentionally infused improv into his parenting, Jay responded, "How can you not? Even if you haven't taken improv, as a parent, you're improvising 24/7." He recalled the best advice he received as an improv teacher: "Over-prepare, then throw it away when you get in the room." This advice has served him well in parenting, where unexpected situations arise, and flexibility is key.
Jay shared a poignant story from when his son was born and had to spend a few days in the NICU. An ER nurse advised him, "Don't read anything, don't go online, don't read books. Turn to parents you respect and talk to them about how they did it." This advice has guided Jay in seeking wisdom from others while trusting his instincts.
The Influence of Play
Growing up, Jay's parents were more like helicopter drill sergeants, a common parenting style of the time. This sheltered upbringing made it challenging for him to navigate situations independently. However, he found solace in games and play, which he believes are essential for growth. "Viola Spolin, the high priestess of improv, said there's not a problem a game can't solve," Jay noted. He often turns to her teachings when he's stuck as a parent or teacher.
Jay's approach to parenting involves using improv games and tools to address his kids' struggles. When his son is anxious or sad, he doesn't say he's sad; instead, he asks, "Will you play with me?" This simple request is a testament to the power of play in providing comfort and connection.
Role-Playing Difficult Conversations
Jay's daughter, now nine, is navigating the complexities of third grade, a time when cliques and rumors start to form. To help her, Jay role-plays conversations and scenarios, preparing her for difficult interactions. Similarly, he helps his son advocate for himself with teachers by role-playing those conversations. "We play 'New Choice' without calling it that," Jay explained. "It makes it easier and less intimidating."
These role-playing exercises are not just about fun; they equip Jay's kids with tools to handle real-life situations. "It's never as bad as we think it's going to be," Jay said. "We build up these things in our minds, but the reality is often much less daunting."
Empowering Kids with Tools
Jay's goal as a parent is to expose his kids to as many tools as possible and encourage them to develop their own. "I don't have all the answers," he admitted. "I just repeat things I've heard other people say." He emphasizes the importance of taking a pause and a breath before responding, understanding others' perspectives, and being in the moment.
He wants his kids to be resilient and self-reliant, able to navigate life's challenges with confidence. "I want them to have these tools and eventually not need me," Jay said. "But they can come to me if they want."
The Power of Apology
One of the most significant lessons Jay has learned is the power of apology. Growing up, his parents never apologized, so he didn't know how to either. As a parent, he makes it a point to apologize when he's wrong. "There are times when I've had to say, 'Hey, that was wrong,' or 'I'm sorry,'" Jay shared. This practice not only models humility but also teaches his kids that it's okay to make mistakes and learn from them.
Balancing Authority and Play
Parenting is a delicate balance between authority and play. Jay acknowledges that there are times when he needs to assert authority, like when his kids' safety is at risk. However, he also recognizes the importance of giving his kids agency and allowing them to make choices. "There are times where we've told our kids, 'You're in charge for the next 10 minutes,'" Jay said. "They love it."
This approach builds trust and respect, fostering a positive parent-child relationship. "If you can give away trying to be the exalted leader and just be curious, it will provide everything you need," Jay advised.
Navigating Co-Parenting
Jay's parenting journey also involves navigating co-parenting with his ex-wife and his current wife, who is an amazing parent. This dynamic requires constant communication and respect for each other's boundaries. "You have to trust that the other parent is concerned about the kids' wellbeing as much as you are," Jay said. This trust is crucial in maintaining a harmonious co-parenting relationship.
Learning from Others
Throughout our conversation, Jay emphasized the importance of learning from others. He draws inspiration from other parents, teachers, and even movies and TV shows. "If your only experience doing improv is watching other improv shows, you don't bring anything to the stage," Jay said. The same applies to parenting. By observing and learning from others, Jay continually expands his toolkit.
Final Thoughts
As our conversation drew to a close, I asked Jay what advice he would give to new parents. His response was simple yet profound: "You're going to do something to screw up your kids. It's okay. Do your best." He also advised against going down the rabbit hole of reading parenting books and online articles. Instead, he encouraged parents to reach out to people they respect and observe what works for them.
Jay's journey is a testament to the power of improv in parenting. By embracing play, being flexible, and learning from others, he has created a nurturing environment for his kids. His story reminds us that parenting, like improv, is an ongoing process of discovery, growth, and connection.
In the words of Jay Sukow, "Focus on your kids, play with them, and give them the tools they need to navigate life. And remember, it's okay to make mistakes. Just keep moving forward."