Welcome to the world of improv parenting, where the art of play meets the challenges of raising children. Today, we're diving into the wisdom shared by Susan Messing, an improv legend who has been teaching and performing for decades. Susan's insights offer a refreshing perspective on parenting, emphasizing the importance of flexibility, humor, and empathy. So, let's explore how you can use improv to improve your parenting and, as Susan puts it, "relax your craic."
The Power of Improv in Parenting
Susan Messing believes that improv is everything for kids. It's not just a technique; it's a way of being. She explains, "It's probably fundamentally in my DNA. I don’t do 'because I told you so', as Sofia was a 'why' but." Partnering and play allows allows parents to deflect and diffuse situations, making interactions with children more harmonious and less confrontational.
Meeting Kids Where They Are
One of the key lessons Susan emphasizes is the importance of meeting children where they are. She recalls, "I always sort of made it seem like it was somebody else's stupid rules, not my rules. Like she had a real trouble going to sleep and I was like, I know, right? Like, this sucks. Like as though it were someone else's rules." By using language and perspectives that children can understand, parents can create a more harmonious environment.
The Illusion of Choice
Susan shares a clever strategy for giving children the illusion of choice. She says, "I would put out two options for her to wear that day so she didn't have to just rifle through the closet. And those were the choices." This approach empowers children while still maintaining control over the situation. It's a win-win for both parents and kids.
Handling Meltdowns with Improv
Improv can be a lifesaver when dealing with meltdowns. Susan recounts a story about her daughter Sofia, who had an absolute meltdown when her ex-husband insisted she wear a coat over her dress. Susan explains, "I would've been able to staunch that very quickly merely by saying, oh yeah, we gotta wear our princess action clothes and princesses can't freeze." By shifting the narrative to something the child can relate to, parents can prevent or quickly resolve tantrums.
Susan also mentions, "If you gave her a countdown, you know, oh, 30 minutes, 20 minutes, let's look at the clock, 10 minutes, then she would be able to see cause and effect. And then by the time she left, there was no meltdown."
The Importance of Empathy
Empathy is a recurring theme in Susan's approach to parenting. She believes that understanding a child's perspective is crucial. Susan says, "I've always been very good at remembering exactly the age I was when certain things happened or were important to me and tried to reflect that with Sofia as well." This ability to connect with children on their level helps build trust and fosters a supportive environment.
Encouraging Autonomy
Susan advocates for giving children autonomy over certain aspects of their lives. She shares, "I remember thinking, I'm gonna give her autonomy over her hair. You know, it sounds so stupid, but these little things to break the generational curse of 'because I said so' because it doesn't work well." Allowing children to make decisions about their appearance or activities can boost their confidence and sense of independence.
Susan also mentions, "Sometimes when you leave them alone to sort of discover what they really wanna do with this, it's just amazing."
The Art of Listening
Listening is an essential skill in improv and parenting. Susan recalls a moment when she let her daughter rant for over 10 minutes. She says, "It was one of the most well-penned spontaneous monologues I've ever heard in my life. And it was a rant. And Sofia's not that person usually, but I let her go to town." By allowing children to express themselves fully, parents can help them process their emotions and reduce anxiety.
Apologizing and Admitting Mistakes
Susan emphasizes the importance of apologizing and admitting mistakes as a parent. She says, "I have apologized more to my child than any human being has. Why? Because I grew up in a place where people didn't really apologize when they fucked up." This practice helps level the playing field and shows children that parents are human too.
Creating a Safe Space
Susan believes in creating a safe space for children to explore and express themselves. She explains, "You create a framework within which we are allowed to operate anywhere in this safe space. And then within that safe space, you kind of step back and say, I'm not gonna try to run this, control this, direct this. I'm gonna let you have what you need here as long as we operate in that safety." This approach encourages children to take risks and learn from their experiences.
The Journey of Discovery
Parenting, according to Susan, is a journey of discovery. She says, "Sometimes I have a thesis statement and I prove it, and then there are other times where I just put people in worlds and see what happens." By embracing the unpredictability of parenting, parents can create a more dynamic and engaging environment for their children.
Relax Your craic
One of Susan's most memorable pieces of advice is to "relax your craic." She explains, "When we want to tense up, I invite us all to relax our craic. Instead, you're gonna wanna tense up. This is really important." This humorous yet profound advice reminds parents to stay flexible and open-minded, even in challenging situations.
Conclusion
Susan Messing's insights offer a refreshing and playful approach to parenting. By incorporating improv techniques, meeting children where they are, and fostering empathy and autonomy, parents can create a more harmonious and engaging environment for their kids. So, the next time you find yourself in a parenting dilemma, remember to relax your craic and improv your way through it!